So, while reading the blog of a friend of mine I had the thought, "Hey, I should start a blog. I have interesting thoughts I never vocalize." Then I realized that I have an lj that I'm sure hardly anyone reads, but I thought it might be a good place to get some bad shit out.
So, for those of you that don't know, fourteen years ago, on August 15, 1995, I was raped by my cousin when I was 9. He was 18. I didn't tell anyone at first. I was terrified of the consequences and afraid that no one would believe me. About a year later I told the mother of a friend of mine. She did the right thing and called my elementary school. One day the principal called me into her office. My mother and stepfather were both there. The principal asked if what my friend's mother had said was true. I exploded and told her everything. Since I was freaking out and crying my mom took me home. Although she was required by law, the principal never reported anything to the police. My mom and I talked about everything for a little bit, but it was quickly forgotten. After several difficult years I entered therapy when I was around 14. I relayed the whole story to my therapist during our first session. He asked if it had ever been reported to the police. I told him I didn't think it had. He did the right thing and filed a police report.
I was quickly thrown into the turmoil that is being a victim in the legal system. I had to tell my story over and over to several people in the legal system. It was a living nightmare. Because the crime was committed in Pennsylvania my mom and I were flown out for the preliminary hearing. Although they handled me quite well with kid gloves, it was and incredibly difficult few days to get through. I was asked horribly embarrassing questions about the size, shape, and circumcision status of his penis. I was asked about the specific lighting in the room. Keep in mind that I was 9 when the rape occurred and 14 when I was being asked these questions. I barely grasped what circumcision was at 14, let alone at 9. In addition to that emotional trauma, I was faced with the man who had raped me for the first time in five years. I thought the torture would never end. After several months of legal processing my mom and I were flown back out to Pennsylvania for the actual trial. I knew it would be hard, but I could never anticipated just how hard it would be. In addition to all of this my family was splitting in two. This was my cousin, mind you. Everyone in the family either took a side or didn't speak to anyone. I felt terrible knowing that I was the one, in a long tradition of women in my family being sexually abused by men in my family, who had the courage to do something about it and I had caused all the trouble in my family. Not until later did I realize that my mom's side of the family is just fucked up with or without incestuous rape. So, after all was said and done the jury ruled in favor of the defendant(the man who raped me) based on the fact that there was no physical evidence and that so much time had passed since the crime occurred. I was devastated. I was inconsolable. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't believe that after all I had been through I couldn't even savor the fact that he would rot in jail. It is nice to know that he's completely fucked up his life with drugs and lawbreaking in the years since, and, to be honest, I don't know if seeing him dead would even make me feel better.
In the years since the trial I have done a pretty good job of suppressing all of the feelings I have associated with this event. The past several years I've been finding it harder and harder to ignore these feelings. I can't function normally. Fuck, I don't even know what normal is. I can't watch a movie or a tv show involving rape without being seriously messed up for several days afterward. I've sought out counseling through my HMO on multiple occasions, but I'm apparently not a priority because I'm not actively trying to slice wrists. Tonight I went to the local sexual assault/domestic violence counseling center for their orientation meeting. It was so hard. They talked about Rape Trauma Syndrome. It's basically like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but with rape. As they were listing the symptoms I had a hard time keeping it together. Almost everything listed described me. I know now more than ever how much I need help. I can't push these feelings down anymore. They say for alcoholics that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. I'm hoping that rings true in this case as well. I want to recover. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to cry all the time. I don't know what normal is, but I know this isn't it. I feel like I'm on the verge of a major change in my life. I feel like even though I can't see the end of the road that it's just good to be on the road headed to recovery. I think a lot of my major problems and anxieties stem from this life-changing event. I don't want this to control my life anymore. I want to move past it. And when I do, I want to help other people who have been through what I've been through.
All these years, all I've ever wanted is guidance. I want someone to talk to who's been through what I've been through to tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel. They say that 1 in 3 women have been sexually assaulted. Where are they? I am thankful everyday for the loving and supportive friends and family I have who have listened to me and sat with me while I cried, but I've always just wanted someone who understands fully how I feel. I'm hoping this new line of counseling will help me with this. I'm hoping that because this organization is specifically tailored to victims of sexual assault and domestic violence that they can guide me through this healing process. I just hope I can wake up one day smiling.
P.S. I'm not proofreading this because I'm not ready to read it yet. If there are any errors, just deal. I'll fix them eventually
So, for those of you that don't know, fourteen years ago, on August 15, 1995, I was raped by my cousin when I was 9. He was 18. I didn't tell anyone at first. I was terrified of the consequences and afraid that no one would believe me. About a year later I told the mother of a friend of mine. She did the right thing and called my elementary school. One day the principal called me into her office. My mother and stepfather were both there. The principal asked if what my friend's mother had said was true. I exploded and told her everything. Since I was freaking out and crying my mom took me home. Although she was required by law, the principal never reported anything to the police. My mom and I talked about everything for a little bit, but it was quickly forgotten. After several difficult years I entered therapy when I was around 14. I relayed the whole story to my therapist during our first session. He asked if it had ever been reported to the police. I told him I didn't think it had. He did the right thing and filed a police report.
I was quickly thrown into the turmoil that is being a victim in the legal system. I had to tell my story over and over to several people in the legal system. It was a living nightmare. Because the crime was committed in Pennsylvania my mom and I were flown out for the preliminary hearing. Although they handled me quite well with kid gloves, it was and incredibly difficult few days to get through. I was asked horribly embarrassing questions about the size, shape, and circumcision status of his penis. I was asked about the specific lighting in the room. Keep in mind that I was 9 when the rape occurred and 14 when I was being asked these questions. I barely grasped what circumcision was at 14, let alone at 9. In addition to that emotional trauma, I was faced with the man who had raped me for the first time in five years. I thought the torture would never end. After several months of legal processing my mom and I were flown back out to Pennsylvania for the actual trial. I knew it would be hard, but I could never anticipated just how hard it would be. In addition to all of this my family was splitting in two. This was my cousin, mind you. Everyone in the family either took a side or didn't speak to anyone. I felt terrible knowing that I was the one, in a long tradition of women in my family being sexually abused by men in my family, who had the courage to do something about it and I had caused all the trouble in my family. Not until later did I realize that my mom's side of the family is just fucked up with or without incestuous rape. So, after all was said and done the jury ruled in favor of the defendant(the man who raped me) based on the fact that there was no physical evidence and that so much time had passed since the crime occurred. I was devastated. I was inconsolable. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't believe that after all I had been through I couldn't even savor the fact that he would rot in jail. It is nice to know that he's completely fucked up his life with drugs and lawbreaking in the years since, and, to be honest, I don't know if seeing him dead would even make me feel better.
In the years since the trial I have done a pretty good job of suppressing all of the feelings I have associated with this event. The past several years I've been finding it harder and harder to ignore these feelings. I can't function normally. Fuck, I don't even know what normal is. I can't watch a movie or a tv show involving rape without being seriously messed up for several days afterward. I've sought out counseling through my HMO on multiple occasions, but I'm apparently not a priority because I'm not actively trying to slice wrists. Tonight I went to the local sexual assault/domestic violence counseling center for their orientation meeting. It was so hard. They talked about Rape Trauma Syndrome. It's basically like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but with rape. As they were listing the symptoms I had a hard time keeping it together. Almost everything listed described me. I know now more than ever how much I need help. I can't push these feelings down anymore. They say for alcoholics that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. I'm hoping that rings true in this case as well. I want to recover. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to cry all the time. I don't know what normal is, but I know this isn't it. I feel like I'm on the verge of a major change in my life. I feel like even though I can't see the end of the road that it's just good to be on the road headed to recovery. I think a lot of my major problems and anxieties stem from this life-changing event. I don't want this to control my life anymore. I want to move past it. And when I do, I want to help other people who have been through what I've been through.
All these years, all I've ever wanted is guidance. I want someone to talk to who's been through what I've been through to tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel. They say that 1 in 3 women have been sexually assaulted. Where are they? I am thankful everyday for the loving and supportive friends and family I have who have listened to me and sat with me while I cried, but I've always just wanted someone who understands fully how I feel. I'm hoping this new line of counseling will help me with this. I'm hoping that because this organization is specifically tailored to victims of sexual assault and domestic violence that they can guide me through this healing process. I just hope I can wake up one day smiling.
P.S. I'm not proofreading this because I'm not ready to read it yet. If there are any errors, just deal. I'll fix them eventually
hopeful1 orgasm | do me
dirty
high
aggravated
satisfied
blah
FREAKING OUT!!!
indescribable
hungry
hot
bouncy
cold
sleepy
horny
anxious
meh
crazy
tipsy
depressed
thoughtful
emoduckie